HERE'S HOW IT WORKS

Here’s how it works. You and your partner are going to take turns talking for five minutes about whatever you want while the other person completely shuts up and listens.

That’s it. Learn this technique and you will build a foundation of trust that supports your entire relationship. We would offer a money-back guarantee, but we aren’t charging for our expertise.

We’ll explain the nuances and more advanced techniques in our BLOG, but these five steps will get you started right away.

  1. TAKE TEN – Agree on a ten-minute time slot for your quickie, one that suits both of you.

Arguing often happens when one person wants to talk and the other doesn’t. The talker may feel ignored and the listener may feel ambushed. By agreeing on when you’re going to do this, you increase the odds that you’ll both feel good about the conversation.

Easy enough? So set it up right now. Ten minutes. That’s it. Find a time and keep it sacrosanct. Phones off, kids asleep or completely occupied, the door bolted.

Missing the talk for reruns of CSI Miami, chores or whatever else feels more pressing is just plain disrespectful to the relationship. Don’t even think about it.

  1. KEEP TIME – Before you sit down to talk, have a kitchen timer, watch or alarm clock handy to ensure that each person gets exactly five minutes. You can get a small timer at a kitchen store for just a few bucks. A timer works well because it lets the listener give his complete attention without constantly checking his watch. In a pinch, a watch will do, but why not make every minute count?

Speaking of minutes, we insist you to stick to five each in the beginning, even if you have substantially more or less to say. Having more to say provides incentive to have another quickie in the next day or so. If you think you’re finished before the timer goes off, you may be surprised what happens if you wait it out. Mark finds that in therapy sessions, people do some of their best work when they say they’re done but then sit tight and delve into issues not foremost in their minds.

  1. MAKE SPACE – You’ve scheduled a quickie, now find a place where you can both sit comfortably and talk. A couch or two easy chairs pulled together are ideal. So is a bed, especially since one kind of quickie can often lead to another.

To help stay focused for those ten minutes, eliminate all distractions. No music or television in the background and no objects in hand.

In fact, HOLD HANDS. Why? Well, quite possibly this is the person you have signed on to make love with for the rest of your life. If you can’t hold their hand, the idea of rolling around naked with them seems ironic or unlikely. In addition, offering one’s hand has forever been a sign of offering aid, warmth, fellowship and peace. Those are some pretty good platforms on which to build your communication. Thus, holding hands is a fundamental part of this exercise.

Finally, decide on who talks first. If figuring this out takes more than 48 seconds, release hands briefly, find a coin and flip it! 

  1. JUST TALK – It’s really that simple. There is no small print, but there are some guidelines. And it’s imperative that you follow them or you’ll be right back to having those other kind of discussions that wreak havoc on your couplehood. Since you don’t need that, do this instead:

TALKER – You’re going to talk for five minutes while the other person says nothing.

For the first week of quickies, we recommended you do not use your time to wail about how unhappy you are, ways that the relationship stinks or how money, family or sexual concerns could make you the poster child for Prozac. Blaming, complaining, whining and screaming simply push people away.

Instead, use these initial time slots to catch your partner up on your life. Talk about whatever you want, but for now try to stay away from focusing on escalating debt, delinquent children, serious ailments, etc. A desire to make more money is fine, whereas fear of financial ruin might be too intense. Career goals would be great, conspiring coworkers can wait. Woodworking? Yes. Wife swapping? No. Get the idea?

Finally and most importantly, one completely taboo topic at this point is THE RELATIONSHIP. Right now, the quickest way to turn these good skills into unwanted anxiety is by trying to fix your relationship immediately. Get comfortable with this new type of communicating first and stay tuned in to the BLOG for how to get to the harder stuff.

  1. JUST LISTEN – Not speaking at all for the five minutes. Uninterrupted talking for five minutes may be difficult for some people, but SHUTTING UP for five minutes is an alien concept to a lot more of us. Some feel that by not talking they are losing power or not being allowed to fully participate. Not true.

LISTENER – While sitting close and holding hands, your job is to look the talker in the eye. Good eye contact demonstrates that you are present and focused on your partner and it lets you pick up on emotions communicated through facial expressions. No bug-eyed stares, please. The occasional blink, nod or look around is fine, but most of the time you should be looking at your partner in a relaxed and considerate way.

As for shutting up, this means absolutely no talking. Not a question, yep or even Amen. You’ve either had or will get your chance to speak. And when a person knows they won’t be interrupted, they focus better and speak more freely. Yes, you can respond to a direct question, but just don’t turn it into a dialogue.

Finally, as the focus is on communicating and not complaining, the listener may have to let the talker know if they are in fact feeling attacked. The best way to do this is with a gentle squeeze of the hand you are holding. No professional wrestling death grips necessary. Try a soft squeeze that can serve as a reminder that the Talker is supposed to be talking about him or herself, not you. 

THAT’S IT - Simple. Safe. Effective. We want you to try this at least three to five times a week. No new skill comes without practice and you are learning to talk and listen in a completely different way. So show yourself and your partner a little patience around getting this right, then watch for some amazing shifts in your relationship.

Mark and Sandra

 

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