The Have a Quickie Blog

Sandra had this crazy idea the other day about how to save relationships. Not ours necessarily, but other people’s. Still, we thought we could experiment on their behalf.

She thought what if people took all the time they spent surfing the net or emailing or googling their ex-boyfriends and girlfriends and people that they wanted to be boyfriend or girlfriend with but never were, and then used that time to do something, in person, with their real-life partner sitting alone in the next room.

Mark thought it was a little radical, but quickly cottoned to the idea, particularly since Sandra is the family technosexual–a person who gets as much satisfactation from her relationship with technology as she does with her human partner–while Mark mostly uses the internet to check weather, because typing accuweather.com is easier than lifting the window shade.

Anyway, so Sandra decided that just for one evening each week (Thursday, in our case) giving up some of her technosexuality in the name of real sexuality or whatever, seemed just fine. So that’s what they did. And here’s the really radical part.

It wasn’t that bad.

It’s not like she had to renounce her relationship with her computer, her cyber-obsessions, her email addiction, or anything like that. But one night off the computer, gave us a whole night together. We played Mastermind, laughed about stuff, ate a pint of ice cream, watched a few minutes of the 10 o’clock news and went to bed early.

And quite amazingly, the entire internet was still there when Sandra woke up the next morning. As in, she hadn’t missed a thing.

One night a week. No computer. Just close human connection. Highly recommended.

It’s said that most divorces occur because of sex or money issues. And while they’re both important and even connected, we can’t picture the debate between spousal attorneys where one says, “Okay, you can keep the vibrator, but my client gets the French maid costume.”

Not having enough may be a concern when it comes to sex and money, but lack of honesty is probably the greater culprit in both cases. In Mark’s practice and among our peers, we rarely find a scenario where both members of the couple fully grasp the comprehensive financial picture. This can be damaging to a relationship, not to mention dangerous if, say, something were to happen to one of the partners. Awful, but hardly impossible.

So how about a Quickie focused on finances? Start by considering the following questions:

• Do you both know how much money comes in?
• What are the monthly/yearly expenses?
• How much debt do you have separately and collectively?
• What money baggage do you carry from your family growing up?
• How big is it? Your partner’s bank account that is.

In our lives, we have had to work much harder on this issue than the s-e-x one. When our narrow driveway means another trip to the autobody shope to remove dents, Mark grumbles about the cost while Sandra cheerfully remembers that no one was hurt and “it’s only a car.” Meanwhile to weekly limit expenses, Sandra will often buy just one roll of paper towels or one bottle of juice while a messy thirst Mark likes to stock up and spend less time at the grocery store. Coming from parents with tight budgets and depression-era principles, we both worry about having enough, but in different ways.

Leaving us to ask, where are you and your partner on the whole finances and honesty thing? Try having a Quickie for Money–it could be one of your best investments.

Where do you want to have sex? What’s the ideal room temperature? Is Mozart playing?  Corrine Bailey Rae? Morning, day or always after midnight? All of the above or never? Does he even know? Would he get the answers right on the Dating Game? Would you?

We hear it alot, in Mark’s practice and from Sandra’s friends, that getting “it” isn’t necessarily the problem. (Well, okay, sometimes it is but that’s another post.) The problem is getting it where and when you like it, for maximum connection, satisfaction, and plain old bed bumping joy.

Here’s the thing. Sandra could have Simon Cowell in the bed (God, did she really just admit that? Let’s just say it has something to do with black tee-shirts and attitude.) but if the room was cold and it was after 10pm on a weeknight, there would be almost no point. Or so she has had to explain to Mark in a cold room after 10pm on a weeknight. This has nothing to do with him. Or Simon.

Mood counts. Timing counts. Frame of mind counts, especially for women. This isn’t to say spontaneity doesn’t count, because it does, particularly on a Carribean vacation without kids, but we’re trying to be practical about two people finding an agreeable time to be intimate in their busy, everyday lives. There’s almost nothing sexy about someone feeling sexy and expecting you to feel the same when, really, you don’t. Or you’re just too exhausted. Or, well, the room is cold.

So how about this, a visual quickie. If you’re the one who needs it to be just so, then make it that way. Set it up when you want, how you want so your partner can see what gets you in the mood. Bring in three space heaters if you have to. A candelabra. The Boston Symphony Orchestra. Dagoba dark chocolate with nibs or whatever delights turn you on.  Show him.

And we’ve found that a little explanation is always nice with a visual. You can be subtle: “Mmm. There’s just something about starting the day like this….” Or, not so subtle, “Damn, but I love morning sex!” I mean point to the clock if you have to. “Look, it’s 10A.M.,” (emphasis on the A.M.) And you’ve communicated your needs in a much more positive way than hunkering down on your side of the bed at night, letting out a big shiver and then a snore because you’re not in the mood. And too tired to explain.

It’s a kind of communication that invites closeness and connection. So next time they’ll know. It’s a way to pull you partner toward you, instead of shoving him away.

Trust in a relationship is tricky. Trust requires some risks. Trust also requires time that is measured in months and years instead of minutes.

You may trust your partner completely around money, fidelity or keeping quiet about your cravings for Fluffernutter on Wonder Bread with an Ovaltine chaser, but you may have found that you do not feel as comfortable as you once did letting the other person into your head and heart. Do you feel they won’t understand? Are you afraid of rocking the boat in some way? Is it that there isn’t time to really talk? Or is time an excuse for the real issue - that it all feels futile and for all your attempts to get closer, nothing really changes?

 This kind of thing often happens in a long-term relationship. Once a sweet spot to be yourself, to dream and create, the relationship can become a place where the self gets subjugated and other priorities take over. In other cases, the day to day of being with someone takes the freshness out of the relationship.

So, here’s what we want you to do - sit down with your partner for 10 minutes (5 minutes each talking) tonight and bring back that early tendency to let your partner know who you really are. What new interest has grabbed your attention? Have you been toying with the idea of taking guitar lessons? Do you want to start cooking Sunday meals together again? What’s going on in your head? Tell them.

 And then sit back and listen as they tell you who they have become.

Since our partners can’t read our minds, they might not know when we’re stressed about something. Which (darn it!) means they might not respond to our needs in the way we’d like. So forget about psychic communication for the time being. You’re going to have to find a different approach to letting your needs be known.

How about this? Next time that you’re having a quickie (the talking kind) think about what might be bothering you at work, at school, in life, around the neighborhood (remember to keep your relationship out of this for now). Then think about what kind of support you could use.

Here are THREE KINDS OF SUPPORT worth thinking about:

STRATEGIC SUPPORT - getting help planning how to approach a problem. For example, let’s look at taxes, a real stressor. This year, how are you going to go about doing them? Are you going to tackle them yourself, buy special tax software, unload them on an accountant, move to Canada and not worry about it for the time being? Asking for strategic support from your partner probably means you’d sit down together and talk through your options, determining the best one.

INSTRUMENTAL SUPPORT - getting someone to actually do something in order to relieve some of your stress. If we’re talking about taxes again, this could mean asking your partner to help organize receipts, or maybe they could watch the children while you spend the afternoon on a fold-out table in the basement cursing at your 1030 EZ form.

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT - is just what you think. It could take the form of your partner listening to you as you vent or cry. Maybe you need your partner to appreciate what you’ve done, so try asking for that–some appreciation. Maybe you need them to let you be grumpy because that’s how you feel when a nice weekend day is spent inside with small print. 

Basically we’re saying that you’re in a partnership, so you shouldn’t have to to it alone. But you might have to learn to ask for what you need.

Welcome to the relationship self-help blog for people in relationships who don’t have time for self-help.

My Ph.D. psychologist husband Mark and I have created the site HaveAQuickie.net to help you and your partner get started on a new kind of communication that will take no more time than you need to cook vermicelli. 

Why so fast? Well, we’re living in the age of the quick fix. From instant gourmet meals to cut abs, we not only want them, but we want them in the next ten minutes. Mark and I think that includes relationship cures. I mean when you’re done siphoning the guts out of each busy day, how much time do you and your partner have left for each other? A few minutes? A half hour?

And do you use the time well or do ambitious strategies to talk about “issues” get waylaid by American Idol or old episodes of The Bachelor in which women find true love with a hunky stranger in less than two weeks?

Well, here is your chance to tranform your limited couple time into communication magic. By following our plan, you will absolutely change your relationship for the better from the ground up.

Check in at HaveAQuickie.net and stay tuned.