Single and Happy?
Sociologist Naomi Gerstel of UMass Amherst just told USA Today about 4 great reasons to stay single. What kind of news is this and why does it have to come on a day when Mark and I have had a fight?
Anyway, here’s the gist of her four points:
-Singles are more socially connected
-Singles who never married have the highest level of well being.
-Marriage is no longer necessarily an economic benefit for women.
-Pressure to marry no longer hurts a woman’s self-image.
So that means what we’ve known all along: It’s great to be single. But, hey, it’s also great to be in a couple. Personally, I’m going to stick with the latter. And considering that Mark and I are still sort of having a tiff as I write this, it’s amazing that I can even say what’s great about being in a committed relationship.
For instance, I love the feeling of going out to dinner and looking across the table at the person who knows you inside out, body and soul, warts and farts and still takes you home and curls up with you under the covers, night after night, for as long as you both shall live.
Or what about holding hands? You know that easy thing couples do when they’re walking down the street and suddenly their arms touch, sparking a reminder. Then their fingers curl into a soft lock and they continue on with that connection they share with absolutely no one else in the same way.
What about Sunday morning breakfast? I am just not interested in eating that alone. Or the book that you finish at midnight and have to talk about immediately. Mark may be asleep, but at least I’m not talking to myself in that dark room.
Being in a couple means you have someone to share your life with. That can mean laughs, sex, sickness, kids, problems, joys and Sunday morning breakfast. It’s not terrible, unless you or your partner makes it terrible. And, if you want to, that’s an easy enough thing to do.
We have single and happy friends. We have single and looking friends. We have divorced friends. We have married friends who are cheating all over the place. We have married friends for whom monogamy is like an out-of-body religious experience. And then we have the all the tween couples.
But I’m talking about those relationships where you have one partner and that partner has one partner. And the two of you commit to each other in a way that is hard and good and important.
So, let’s take a clue from some of those happy singles that the sociologist talks about and see how we can be happier as couples.
1. The social connection - for heaven sake don’t get isolated as a couple. Open your home, your hearts. Invite the new people on the block to dinner. Go to a fundraiser once a year. Or chair it. Work in soup kitchen together. Do something that gets you out of your comfort zone.
2. Get some well-being - When a couple marries, there is a measurable boost in happiness, but it doesn’t last, apparently. So what are you going to do to make it last? Regular connection, dates, time away from the kids. Life is stressful, but if it’s too stressful to insist on and prioritize a little well-being, then, yes, you should have stayed single.
3. Economic Benefit - Women say marriage is no longer the economic benefit it once was for them. And where’s the problem here? Women are now financially independent and able to manage without a man taking care of them. This is a good thing, in or out of a relationship.
4. Pressure to marry doesn’t hurt self-image - This one I applaud. In fact, it gets a standing ovation. Of course women shouldn’t feel rotten if they’re single, but that doesn’t mean partnering has to be so bad. My advice is don’t even think about getting married unless your self-esteem is in tact. This goes double for reproducing. Seriously, if your self-image is tied up with being a wife, maybe a mother, then it could suffer a brutal blow if neither of those work out. Be sure of yourself no matter what box you check for marital status.
That’s all. Time to make up with Mark and remember the reasons why we chose each other.