The Have a Quickie Blog

I’m not a fan of the New Year’s Resolution but I’m a huge believer in making changes. So, hey, if it takes a change of date to shake up your life, then go with it. Get inspired however you can. 2008 look out.

I do, however, support Sexual Resolutions–commitments to bettering your couplehood, rather than crusing along on some vow that you made when young and drunk with desire. Because everything you believed a few years ago, is going to change and bliss and desire might not last as long as you both shall live.

Though it might last as long as you both shall work on it.

So that’s the point. For a relationship to work, you need to work on it. If you get derailed and then linger in that place of upset and isolation, nothing good is going to happen. Stand-offs stink. He’s mad. She’s mad. Everyone is mad. The kids–if you have them–are heartbroken seeing their parents fight. You’ve got to do something.

Here’s what I do when Mark and I fight. I dream about divorce. Yeah, I think about how much better off I’d be without him. He could even keep the house and I’d get a cute little rental in Cambridge near Harvard Square. We’d share custody and divide holidays. I’d date some new guy–lots of them, maybe–who understood me deeply, read classic literature and hated golf. Mmmm. Bliss.

Well, no. There is not a lot blissful about a broken family. In fact, I just came from the school playground when I was talking to a dad who is getting a divorce he doesn’t want. He looked at me and said, “Do you know how lucky you are that your family is in tact?” I looked back, not sure how to respond. And instead of giving some flip answer about never getting to kiss someone new, I just nodded and said, “Yes, I actually do know.”

And you should, too. You have somebody sharing your life. You can hang out, laugh over Seinfeld re-runs, eat tacos in bed. But it’s not always easy to keep it functioning well. So here’s something to think about. I believe many good things in life work on this principle that I call letting in the light.

When your relationship feels dark and heavy, when you can’t find the power to believe in it, when the tunnel of marriage seems endless and blocked, let in some light. Even if it only feels like a gesture, reach for some connection with the person you love.

You can initiate a conversation that has nothing to do with what an ass they’ve been. You can bring him a flower and leave it on his pillow. You can call her at work and say you miss her. And when the person doesn’t repsond exactly how you want them to, you can take a deep breath and not give up. This is your life we’re talking about. Let in a little light and see if the whole room doesn’t start to look a whole lot brighter. Even if it hurts your eyes at first, you’ll adjust.

And when you’ve started to move toward each other again, make a resolution that for all of 2008 you’ll keep going. 

Happy New Year.