The Have a Quickie Blog

When Mark suggested the title for this week’s blog, I was a little surprised. I mean I haven’t been absolutely right about everything for a couple of days, but somehow the implication was otherwise. No fair. If I’m going to be accused of always being right, then I want to, at the very least, always be right. Or at least think I am.

How about you? Are you always right? As in, the argument starts and your heels dig in and with a defense attorney’s attention to language and steel-trap mind for details, you launch into the opening statement as to why you are in-arguably right and how a jury-box full of 12 impartial men and women hand-picked by the federal government of the United States itself would not need to hear the opposing arguments or if they were forced to endure them, that same jury wouldn’t require five minutes to deliberate because it would be so glaringly clear that YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT. Case closed.

As you mayknow from our website HaveAQuickie.net, Mark and I solve our problems with what we refer to as a Communication Quickie. We each listen to the other person for five minutes and then switch. If we are really pissed off and fighting hard, we will alternate five minute turns until something gives. It can take a while, but usually something does.

Why? Because instead of piling all of our mean words and feelings on top of each other, we are actually listening to the other person speak their heart. And while that person is speaking, they aren’t allowed to be blameful or accusing. They may be saying how crappy they feel, but not in the spirit of making their partner feel even worse.  

By respectfully using this forum, each person, instead of getting angrier, gets a clearer sense of how their partner feels and on how they themself feel. It gives the argument a little perspective and, really, what argument doesn’t need some perspective?

Sometimes, Mark and I get to that place in a fight when we’ve had a couple of rounds of Quickies and suddenly like, a fog lifting, everything shifts. That’s when I often do something shocking. Here’s what it is. I say to Mark, You know what. You’re right.  At which point he looks at me with either loving adoration or utter confusion, because I suddenly sound a little Stepford.

Then I say it again, You’re right. I see it now and I’m sorry. Let’s talk about it. And we do.

Then, amazingly enough, you know what happens next? Maybe you do. He realizes that I am a little bit right, too and these things work both ways. And then we are happy and equal for a while, until the next time that I am always right.

After a holiday–Hallmark or otherwise, I don’t discriminate–I check in with friends about how it went. This week I made a few inquiries into their Mother’s Day experiences, not only because I’m nosy, but because the stories of generosity, or lack of, fascinate me. 

Take for instance, the mother of four young children in my neighborhood who works part-time so she can be home for the kids. A mother who cleans and shops and cooks and cares unceasingly. The one who remembers a dozen important things that must get done everyday but whose husband scrambled outside on Mother’s Day morning to pick her a bunch of flowers as an afterthought. Like, oh, it’s Mother’s Day and I didn’t really plan anything, so I guess these purple weeds from the park will have to do in a pinch.

Or the mother of two little children who says, “I don’t really expect anything from him. The kids made me cards and that was sweet.”

Or the mother who got that Hallmark card and celebrated the fact that he even managed to remember that since there wasn’t a lot of precedence for it with other occasions.

I heard plenty of sweet stories too. My friend Maggie’s husband overhauled an old bike that he found in the basement and added a perfect basket. She was riding around on Sunday morning in her white skirt like the Queen of Spring. I saw other Moms on hiatus from kid-duty, some working in their gardens, wearing new clogs or pretty silver earrings. And the restaurant we went to that evening was packed with smiling mothers being feted by their broods.

Bringing me to my point that just a dash of generosity can go a very long way. I’m not saying that every holiday has to be a chance to blow wads of cash on showy gifts. Ugh, not at all. Okay, well, in some cases that’s fine. Rather, I’m suggesting that when a chance to celebrate rolls around–Mother’s Day, a birthday, and, yes, even those stupid Hallmark Holidays-that you do so with some creativity and generosity of spirit.

What is so hard about a small gift, flowers, a card with a message from the heart and not Hallmark? Let’s put it this way, every Mother’s Day, I think about why I’m a mother and how I got here. I even remember my gorgeous pregnancies with my two children and the interminable, drug-free labors that brought them into this world. Would I do it again in a minute? Duh. Does childbirth and the aftermath deserve a little recognition? Double duh.

One of the easiest things you can do for a partner is appreciate them, even if it’s not a holiday. This, of course, goes for men and women. Even if you’re struggling to communicate, to find your way back to each other after a distancing argument, take a moment to think about what drew you to this person in the first place and why you’re still here. Is she the kind of person that every kid loves not just her own? Does he joyfully play with the kids for hours forgetting the time and sometimes even dinner?

So next time a holiday comes along (you’ll know by reading store circulars, watching tv commercials and paying attention to Internet ads) here’s what you can do, instead of doing nothing. You can think of at least one thing you really adore about your partner. You can write it on a plain piece of paper or a decorative card (this matters much less than the sentiment) then tape it to a small gift that you purchase or make yourself with thoughtfulness. Then give it to that person you share your life with, watch their reaction, then sit back for a moment and marvel at how easy it is to spread a little joy.

Sociologist Naomi Gerstel of UMass Amherst just told USA Today about 4 great reasons to stay single. What kind of news is this and why does it have to come on a day when Mark and I have had a fight?

 Anyway, here’s the gist of her four points:

-Singles are more socially connected

-Singles who never married have the highest level of well being.

-Marriage is no longer necessarily an economic benefit for women.

-Pressure to marry no longer hurts a woman’s self-image.

So that means what we’ve known all along: It’s great to be single. But, hey, it’s also great to be in a couple. Personally, I’m going to stick with the latter. And considering that Mark and I are still sort of having a tiff as I write this, it’s amazing that I can even say what’s great about being in a committed relationship.

For instance, I love the feeling of going out to dinner and looking across the table at the person who knows you inside out, body and soul, warts and farts and still takes you home and curls up with you under the covers, night after night, for as long as you both shall live. 

 Or what about holding hands? You know that easy thing couples do when they’re walking down the street and suddenly their arms touch, sparking a reminder. Then their fingers curl into a soft lock and they continue on with that connection they share with absolutely no one else in the same way.

What about Sunday morning breakfast? I am just not interested in eating that alone. Or the book that you finish at midnight and have to talk about immediately. Mark may be asleep, but at least I’m not talking to myself in that dark room.

Being in a couple means you have someone to share your life with. That can mean laughs, sex, sickness, kids, problems, joys and Sunday morning breakfast. It’s not terrible, unless you or your partner makes it terrible. And, if you want to, that’s an easy enough thing to do.

We have single and happy friends. We have single and looking friends. We have divorced friends. We have married friends who are cheating all over the place. We have married friends for whom monogamy is like an out-of-body religious experience. And then we have the all the tween couples.

But I’m talking about those relationships where you have one partner and that partner has one partner. And the two of you commit to each other in a way that is hard and good and important.

So, let’s take a clue from some of those happy singles that the sociologist talks about and see how we can be happier as couples.

1. The social connection - for heaven sake don’t get isolated as a couple. Open your home, your hearts. Invite the new people on the block to dinner. Go to a fundraiser once a year. Or chair it. Work in soup kitchen together. Do something that gets you out of your comfort zone.

2. Get some well-being - When a couple marries, there is a measurable boost in happiness, but it doesn’t last, apparently. So what are you going to do to make it last? Regular connection, dates, time away from the kids. Life is stressful, but if it’s too stressful to insist on and prioritize a little well-being, then, yes, you should have stayed single.

3. Economic Benefit - Women say marriage is no longer the economic benefit it once was for them. And where’s the problem here? Women are now financially independent and able to manage without a man taking care of them. This is a good thing, in or out of a relationship.

4. Pressure to marry doesn’t hurt self-image - This one I applaud. In fact, it gets a standing ovation. Of course women shouldn’t feel rotten if they’re single, but that doesn’t mean partnering has to be so bad. My advice is don’t even think about getting married unless your self-esteem is in tact. This goes double for reproducing. Seriously, if your self-image is tied up with being a wife, maybe a mother, then it could suffer a brutal blow if neither of those work out. Be sure of yourself no matter what box you check for marital status.

That’s all. Time to make up with Mark and remember the reasons why we chose each other.

Sandra had this crazy idea the other day about how to save relationships. Not ours necessarily, but other people’s. Still, we thought we could experiment on their behalf.

She thought what if people took all the time they spent surfing the net or emailing or googling their ex-boyfriends and girlfriends and people that they wanted to be boyfriend or girlfriend with but never were, and then used that time to do something, in person, with their real-life partner sitting alone in the next room.

Mark thought it was a little radical, but quickly cottoned to the idea, particularly since Sandra is the family technosexual–a person who gets as much satisfactation from her relationship with technology as she does with her human partner–while Mark mostly uses the internet to check weather, because typing accuweather.com is easier than lifting the window shade.

Anyway, so Sandra decided that just for one evening each week (Thursday, in our case) giving up some of her technosexuality in the name of real sexuality or whatever, seemed just fine. So that’s what they did. And here’s the really radical part.

It wasn’t that bad.

It’s not like she had to renounce her relationship with her computer, her cyber-obsessions, her email addiction, or anything like that. But one night off the computer, gave us a whole night together. We played Mastermind, laughed about stuff, ate a pint of ice cream, watched a few minutes of the 10 o’clock news and went to bed early.

And quite amazingly, the entire internet was still there when Sandra woke up the next morning. As in, she hadn’t missed a thing.

One night a week. No computer. Just close human connection. Highly recommended.