The Have a Quickie Blog

It’s said that most divorces occur because of sex or money issues. And while they’re both important and even connected, we can’t picture the debate between spousal attorneys where one says, “Okay, you can keep the vibrator, but my client gets the French maid costume.”

Not having enough may be a concern when it comes to sex and money, but lack of honesty is probably the greater culprit in both cases. In Mark’s practice and among our peers, we rarely find a scenario where both members of the couple fully grasp the comprehensive financial picture. This can be damaging to a relationship, not to mention dangerous if, say, something were to happen to one of the partners. Awful, but hardly impossible.

So how about a Quickie focused on finances? Start by considering the following questions:

• Do you both know how much money comes in?
• What are the monthly/yearly expenses?
• How much debt do you have separately and collectively?
• What money baggage do you carry from your family growing up?
• How big is it? Your partner’s bank account that is.

In our lives, we have had to work much harder on this issue than the s-e-x one. When our narrow driveway means another trip to the autobody shope to remove dents, Mark grumbles about the cost while Sandra cheerfully remembers that no one was hurt and “it’s only a car.” Meanwhile to weekly limit expenses, Sandra will often buy just one roll of paper towels or one bottle of juice while a messy thirst Mark likes to stock up and spend less time at the grocery store. Coming from parents with tight budgets and depression-era principles, we both worry about having enough, but in different ways.

Leaving us to ask, where are you and your partner on the whole finances and honesty thing? Try having a Quickie for Money–it could be one of your best investments.

Where do you want to have sex? What’s the ideal room temperature? Is Mozart playing?  Corrine Bailey Rae? Morning, day or always after midnight? All of the above or never? Does he even know? Would he get the answers right on the Dating Game? Would you?

We hear it alot, in Mark’s practice and from Sandra’s friends, that getting “it” isn’t necessarily the problem. (Well, okay, sometimes it is but that’s another post.) The problem is getting it where and when you like it, for maximum connection, satisfaction, and plain old bed bumping joy.

Here’s the thing. Sandra could have Simon Cowell in the bed (God, did she really just admit that? Let’s just say it has something to do with black tee-shirts and attitude.) but if the room was cold and it was after 10pm on a weeknight, there would be almost no point. Or so she has had to explain to Mark in a cold room after 10pm on a weeknight. This has nothing to do with him. Or Simon.

Mood counts. Timing counts. Frame of mind counts, especially for women. This isn’t to say spontaneity doesn’t count, because it does, particularly on a Carribean vacation without kids, but we’re trying to be practical about two people finding an agreeable time to be intimate in their busy, everyday lives. There’s almost nothing sexy about someone feeling sexy and expecting you to feel the same when, really, you don’t. Or you’re just too exhausted. Or, well, the room is cold.

So how about this, a visual quickie. If you’re the one who needs it to be just so, then make it that way. Set it up when you want, how you want so your partner can see what gets you in the mood. Bring in three space heaters if you have to. A candelabra. The Boston Symphony Orchestra. Dagoba dark chocolate with nibs or whatever delights turn you on.  Show him.

And we’ve found that a little explanation is always nice with a visual. You can be subtle: “Mmm. There’s just something about starting the day like this….” Or, not so subtle, “Damn, but I love morning sex!” I mean point to the clock if you have to. “Look, it’s 10A.M.,” (emphasis on the A.M.) And you’ve communicated your needs in a much more positive way than hunkering down on your side of the bed at night, letting out a big shiver and then a snore because you’re not in the mood. And too tired to explain.

It’s a kind of communication that invites closeness and connection. So next time they’ll know. It’s a way to pull you partner toward you, instead of shoving him away.